i had tots of killing myself today. no need to continue suffering from my illness, no need to suffer the discouragement for job rejections, no need to have ppl making sarcastic remarks of "oh? u grad so long still looking for jobs?", no need to be a burden on other people, no need to attend gatherings where peers dont even care bout one another and act so fake by sayin" hey how have u been? wa u manager ah? wa xxx juz bought a car, wa xxx is so rich" (u really care whether the other party is dead or alive?) , no need to worry for people i cared about, no need to give advices to loved ones that falls on deaf ears, no need to experience sadness, anger and anxiety, no need to feel insignificant, no need to face them anymore. and the tot havin people to blame themselves for eternity for causing my death brings a smile to my face.

some will say, dont be selfish. people will cry and get sad when u die. well so? perhaps they really will. but only for a short while. since they are the people to taught me "life goes on". as what they said, their life stil goes on, with or without me rite?

i hate this world. its full of suffering, sickness and poverty. human beings are such an ugly race. they dont deserve to live and continue destroy nature. set me free from the twisted, disgusting society.

i think i'm turning back in an emokid. why i know? cause i'm listenin to techno music again. after stoppin for so long and changing to listenin to chillout. whenever i listen to techno, my emotions start to tingle again. this is bad, really very bad. my worst nightmare that i've been fearing these 2 months are finally here. 3 years. i dont dare to think. no eyes to see.

Life, an unexpected journey. In this 7 - 8 decade long walk, lots and lots of people enter and exit your life. let us talk about people whom i wished i've NEVER met.

1st person to talk about: my ex 叔叔 and 婶婶

why do you call your 婶婶 'ex', some of you may ask. is she divorced with your 叔叔? or has your 叔叔 left this world? well, my answer is neither. i simply call them 'ex' because since tt day when she came over to my place with my useless 叔叔 and made a big family mess, i've never considered their whole family as part of my relatives anymore. this includes my cousins. i hear people askin "but the kids are innocent. why boycott them as well?" my answer is simple. i simply DO NOT wish to have anythin to do with those rubbish people anymore. they've made my current life a mess and i will HATE them forever until i breath my last breathe. even if one day they decided to repent and ask for forgiveness, i will tell them "eat my shit, den MAYBE i might consider forgiving you. but most probably i wont".

now that is some serious matter. what in the world have them done to deserve such treatment from me? oh the answer is very simple. they,

1. simply THREW my grandparents (who were living with them before) out of their house.
2. they have another bungalow somewhere at sembawang but said they will only let my grandparents stay there if we pay him $3000 a month. (i say UP YOURS!!)
3. then tt bloody 婶婶 threatened she will divorce my 叔叔 if they continue stayin with them. (go ahead. i would like to see your family is small little broken pieces)
4. then my poor homeless grandparents came to stay over at my place.
5. they take over my living room and kitchen and moved into my brother's room,
6. forcing him to come and stay in my room (a terrible choice, we quarrel almost everyday because of our differences).
7. my room looks like crap now and is so crampy because of havin to squeeze in his stuff and
8. i almost kick the legs of the chair everyday because of this.
9. i am almost woken up everyday by their loud talkin about nonsensical stuff or
10. their loud tv on some taiwan news or
11. their loud discussion on whether that convict in the news (who is half the world away) deserves what he gets, which i dont even care whether he gets life.
12. they take over the kitchen, cookin every meal if they are at home,
13. making it impossible for my mum to cook (mind you, i love her cooking very much) and
14. making it impossible for me to whip up a nice meal for my family.
15. they cook very oily food (such as 卤猪, which i hate very much) and
16. always cook those few dishes ONLY.
17. we used to have a small family dinner (just the 4 of us) OUTSIDE during the weekends (which loved cause it gave me time to chat privately with my dad, mum and brother) but these have to be cancelled cause my parents say my grandparents spend alot when eating outside.
18. they assume what they like to eat i will also like and
19. they took over my fridge.
20. they make a fuss when i dont eat dinner with them (i have the right to eat at my own timings right?)
21. i cant read books anymore when eating cause of that.
22. they make comments (behind my back. dont think i didnt hear it) bout wat i wear when i go out (i hate it),
23. ask me why i never eat (those dishes that i dislike).
24. they hog my tv (its on since they wake until they slp, only resting sometimes if they take a nap). you have a big tv in ur room with cable installed for you, why don't you use it?
25. talk very loudly when i'm watchin tv (which i cannot stand being disturbed)
26. and they leave a weird smell in my bathroom.
27. i can only make empty complains about all these issue.

i dont hate my grandparents, well maybe irritated thats all cause i know all these differences is because of our difference lifestyle practices and upbringin and because they came suddenly into my life and disturbed my simple life which i enjoyed for the past 25 years. say me unfilial if you want. i dont think i'm wrong. i'm merely 'complaining'. everyone complains these days.

with all these issues, you really cannot blame me for hating my ex 叔叔 and 婶婶 right? they disrupted my life with all these nonsense and are the source of trouble cause they 'introduced' my grandparents over. if i see you on the streets, dont expect me to even say a hi. worse of all, my cousin stil can come and say: "aiya no choice ma" well my answer is "u wan stay wif them? if not, shut up". i would really like to use some language that most of you would not want to hear. problem is, i dont want to 'dirty' this space.